Official SSO Implementation Guide - Streamlining Your Path to Security Enlightenment (v2.4.7)
Ever wondered why "Single Sign-On" somehow requires you to sign on 47 times per day? Meet Dietrich's revolutionary authentication system, where logging in becomes a spiritual journey through digital purgatory. Warning: May cause existential crisis and sudden urge to become a farmer.
This document has been approved by Dietrich from IT Security and the Committee for Digital Identity Confusion (CDIC). Non-compliance will result in immediate credential revocation and a stern talking-to.
Step 1: Pre-Migration Password Inventory
Before migrating to SSO, you must catalog all existing passwords using Form SSO-001: "Complete Digital Identity Audit." List every password you've ever created, including the ones you forgot. Dietrich needs to verify that you're sufficiently confused before proceeding.
Required Information:
- All passwords from 2019-present (exact spelling, including typos)
- Security questions you can't possibly remember the answers to
- That one password you definitely wrote down somewhere but can't find
Step 2: Account Linking Ceremony
Navigate to the SSO portal and begin the sacred ritual of "account linking." You'll need to prove you own accounts you've been using for years by receiving verification codes sent to email addresses you no longer have access to.
Important: Dietrich has programmed the system to require verification from your old college email. "It builds character," he says.
Step 3: Master Password Creation
Create the One Password to Rule Them All™. It must meet these requirements:
- 16+ characters including symbols Dietrich personally finds aesthetically pleasing
- Cannot contain any word that exists in any language (including made-up ones)
- Must be memorable enough to type 47 times per day
- Cannot be similar to any password you've used since birth
Pro Tip: Dietrich suggests using the first letter of each word in your grandmother's favorite recipe, combined with the atomic number of your spirit element.
Step 4: Two-Factor Setup Inception
Configure your authentication app to send codes to your phone, which will require you to authenticate through the app to view the codes needed to authenticate. Dietrich calls this "security recursion" and is very proud of the concept.
Additional Requirements:
- Backup codes must be printed and stored in a fireproof safe
- Safe combination must be different from all other passwords
- Safe location must be approved by Dietrich's feng shui consultant
Step 5: The Great Migration
Begin logging into your applications using SSO. Each app will redirect you through 3-7 intermediate pages before asking you to log in again "just to be sure." This is normal. Dietrich designed it this way because "security is a journey, not a destination."
Expected Redirects:
- SSO Portal → Identity Verification Hub
- Identity Hub → Trust Confirmation Center
- Trust Center → Dietrich's Personal Approval Dashboard
- Back to the app (maybe)
Step 6: Session Management Mastery
Your session will expire every 12 minutes to "maintain optimal security posture." When this happens, don't panic. Simply re-authenticate using your Master Password, wait for the 2FA code, solve Dietrich's daily riddle, and prove you're still human via CAPTCHA.
Dietrich's Daily Riddles Include:
- "What has four legs in the morning and represents a critical security vulnerability?"
- "If a user logs in the forest and Dietrich isn't there to verify it, did it really happen?"
💡 Daily Security Wisdom from Dietrich
Step 7: Troubleshooting (The Eternal Phase)
When (not if) something goes wrong, submit a ticket to Dietrich using the Secure Help Portal. Access requires SSO authentication, naturally. Dietrich will respond within 3-5 business days with a detailed explanation of why your problem is actually a feature.
Common "Features":
- Spontaneous logouts during important presentations
- Password fields that reject your correct password "for security reasons"
- Authentication loops that would make Escher weep
Test Your New Password
🔐 Dietrich's Password Complexity Calculator™
Footnotes
¹ Dietrich maintains that if you can remember your password easily, it's obviously not secure enough.
- v2.4.7: Added Step 6 after users complained about "excessive productivity"
- v2.4.6: Increased session timeout frequency per Dietrich's meditation retreat insights
- v2.4.5: Removed "Skip Authentication" Easter egg that Dietrich accidentally left in
This guide is considered classified until you've successfully logged in to read it. Dietrich will know if you've read it without proper authentication. He always knows.
Want to know more about the mastermind behind these security policies? Meet Dietrich: Keeper of the Digital Keys →
LEGAL NOTICE AND DISCLAIMER
Be it known to all readers, prospective litigants, and weary HR drones that all scenarios, characters, dialogues, and corporate malfeasance contained herein are purely hypothetical constructs, presented "as is," without warranty of reality, veracity, or immunity from HR retribution. Any resemblance to actual persons—living, departed, or reluctantly employed—or to specific organizations, subsidiaries, holding companies, meetings, conference rooms, email domains, job titles, salary ranges, organizational hierarchies, corporate buzzwords, team-building exercises, quarterly objectives, performance metrics, bathroom conversations, water cooler gossip, Slack channels, shared drives, expense reports, parking assignments, cafeteria seating arrangements, or interdepartmental feuds is strictly the result of the reader's fertile imagination and in no way a matter of record, precedent, or admissible evidence.
Should any perspicacious sleuth discern veritable correlations to real-world events, such recognition is hereby declared purely fortuitous, coincidental, and entirely divorced from fact. This disclaimer serves the dual purpose of (a) shielding yours truly from frivolous lawsuits, needless performance improvement plans, and impromptu"we need to talk" meetings that could easily inspire an entire future blog post, and (b) maintaining plausible deniability for all parties involved.
Reader discretion is advised. The author assumes no liability for occupational hazards incurred through excessive pattern recognition.